It comes and it goes

Another favourite on my playlist is this song by the English singer Dido. Watch the official video which plays like a short film complete with a storyline. It's about a young Thai woman who is both boxer and mother. Such a tough job and yet she looks more supermodel than supermom!

The song goes like this and sort of relates to today's practice:

Some days I wanna, and some days I don’t. Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it’s gone. Some days I can tell you the truth and some days I just don’t. Only a change of mood sun goes down some one says something to quick or to soon, a touch not made one made to late army’s of words can not hope to contain…

Then it comes and it goes.
And I have no control.

Some days I can think clear and some days I won't. Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it’s gone. Some days I am strong and some days my skin's broken and thin.That’s when it feels and it takes what it needs and it leaves before I get to know, it’s only a step away moments that army’s of words can not hope to contain.

Then it comes and it goes...

I can bind on my own and walk my legs towards each other to make my feet meet in front of my head in Supta Kurmasana. But today, my right foot inched its way on top my left foot. I think it was a combination of my hips softening and opening, my clavicle touching the ground and my shoulders fitting neatly under my knees. It felt like a stroke of luck and good timing. Hope I get lucky again tomorrow. And when I finally cross my feet, maybe someday I can slide my head underneath them. Om.

At last...a personal practice

Five times a week from 8.30 a.m. until 10.45 a.m., Tuesdays through Fridays and Saturday mornings. This has been my schedule for self-practice since the start of this month. Serendipitously, self-practice became key to striking a balance in life and spending quality time between family and yoga practice. I had been grappling with my conscience every time I stepped out of the house for more than two hours to practice yoga. Would the kids be safe with the yayas? Would the yayas sneak the kids out of the house? Worse, would they welcome a complete stranger into our home? I've dispelled all these negative thoughts by practicing while they're in school. The rest of the day can then be devoted to chores, quick trips to the supermarket or bank, managing the household and staff, and raising the children. And come Saturday, I troop to yoga class to refine my practice with teachers. Now I enjoy a sense of...equanimity (love this word) and a feeling of things being "meant to be".

Also, I now appreciate why teachers encourage self-practice. With a regular practice I've become more connected to the primary series. Doing the primary daily has become less routine and more ritual. I have learned patience and how not to rush or push too hard. Every day becomes a time for self-discovery too. With the help of mirrors, I've seen how I still need to lengthen my spine in Marich D, keep my heels off the ground in Kurmasana, and arch my back more in Setu Bandhasana. And oddly, instead of getting that feeling of dejection, I now feel eager and excited to explore those poses further and harness the bandhas the following day. Non-attachment, finally. It can be so liberating! Can't wait to use those "micro-adjustments" suggested by my teacher for asanas I normally had assistance with.

Not all is hunky-dory, of course. There are some pitfalls to personal practice. One is that I miss the energies of fellow practicioners, some of whom really inspire me during class. Another is that accidents can happen when you're all alone. I have a blackeye which I sustained after I fell on my face while balancing in Bhujapidasana. Also my practice venue happens to be the noisiest gym in the universe with hip-hop music blaring from speakers in every corner and muscle-bound men perplexed by my "pretzel practice", fitness regimen and goals. They don't disturb me because I've blocked them out with my mp3 player. Heavy on my playlist are the haunting Icelandic melodies of Bjork (such as the tune below), Enigma and some Massive Attack, some Art of Noise. For now, music has helped sychronise the breath with asanas. And anyway, I will take whatever the universe gives. Om.